Monday, May 22

I don't get it

My dear lovely housemate Joy and I shared dinner tonight at our house, just the two of us. It was nice, it's been a while since this has happened, but looking back to last April-June, it was this way a lot as we hunted for a new housemate. But now Amy's leaving for the summer and so am I and so Joy and I got to discussing where I'm at as far as living in our house goes. Back in October, I signed a lease agreeing to be here until the end of this coming September ('06).

However, I'll be traveling from June 15 - Aug 15th, so I don't really want to pay rent, so I'm half-heartedly looking for a subletter, which is hard to find. Also, Amy's definitely going to have a subletter as she needs help paying the rent, where as I could pay it if I need to. Anyway, and then as I've posted, the boy and I are discussing moving in together in the fall. So really, I"m looking for my replacement, which is sad as I love our house.

And then in talking to Joy telling her that I was going to live with the boy she asked, "Don't you think it's a little soon?" Well, by the time we'd actually move in together it'll be a month shy of a year. Not that I care particularly whether it's been a year, we're already spending 3+ nights a week together. Also she told me, "I just don't get it. You don't seem like a subdued version of the old Emily with him. When was the last time you wore fake eyelashes?" And then she tells me it's not just her amongst our friends who "don't get it."

And now here I am, having a "Sex and the City" running monologue with myself. Questioning. I admire her and thanked her for having the guts to say it to me. It's a good friend who will tell you that she doesn't understand (approve of) your relationship. But in the end, I am the one living in it and loving being in it.

I am in love with a full on introvert who doesn't do well in groups and claims to hate hippies. (Yet, here he is in love with one.) However, this does mean that he comes into conflict with my group of hippy friends. I'm fairly confident that my group of peninsula friends don't hate him, though maybe they don't get it either??

And nope, I haven't worn fake eyelashes since October. Is that because of the boy or is it because I am way too tired to consider going out dancing if the event is after 9 pm? Going out dancing and partying all night never really were who I was, though I spent about a year out here living that lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I love it, I love dancing when the music is great. But no one would ever call me an audiophile and I'm just as happy being in bed at 9. Is the real Emily really gone? I'm still traveling as much, if not more and managing to actually work a full time job doing something I love. I'm not cooking as much, true, again because of the job not the boy.

So if any of the three of you who used to read my blog are still out there, I'd love a response.



Nate said...

Well, there's the question: Is it the job or is it the boy? There has been an obvious change in you but since both the job and the boy happened about the same time it's hard to judge which had more effect. Personally, I think that the job has more effect on the eyelashes, dancing, cooking, etc. But as far as Wil (does he not read this?) goes, although I don't know him very well, he's not who I would have imagined you with. But maybe he fits a side of you that the rest of us don't really know that well. I have friends whose partners I don't particularly enjoy being around, which I find strange because these are friends with whom I am very close , yet adding only one degree of separation invites someone who fits a whole other side of them. But they're happy and that's all that matters to far. I want you to be happy and if Wil makes you happy then yay. But if staying with him means sacrificing other friends then it's something to think about. I imagine you're going to want to do things together with friends and other couples but if they're avoiding doing things with you because of him, then that creates a problem.

I don't know that this helps and it may be just me rambling but we can make it a running dialogue here I suppose. Public discussion of your relationship. Hehe.

Anonymous said...

Hi Em - I am currently exiting a relationship where he didn't "get" my friends OR my family. I let it slide for going on 20 years, but I finally decided it wasn't going to work because I was doing all of the bending.

I closed myself off from many friends because they were "too loud" or "too obnoxious" or "dressed funny". Whatever. Of course there were many more serious issues, but this is one that was pretty damaging for me.

Are you doing all of the bending, or is he meeting you half way? That's a pretty important question.

You're moving in together - you're not signing a marriage license. If it doesn't work, you leave. Easier said than done, I know, but it's all about learning the process and being comfortable in your own skin. There's nothing wrong with being home and in bed at 9:00, as long as it's what YOU want.

People still wear false eyelashes? Go figure. ;)

Love ya, sweetie. Hang in there.

Christopher said...

Like Nate said, there are two forces at work...the job and the boy. He's right that in as much as Wil accepts you, he should accept your friends -- but I also think the reverse is true. These things are complicated. It's easy to say, "Well so-and-so just don't fit," because we all have a representation of what someone is to us. Is that who they are all the time, or who they are really? Maybe, maybe not. I've known you for a long time, and I've never really interacted with your more "hippie" friends and I like and accept your friends as people and moreover as people important to you. I don't think you've changed in your interactions with me over the years but as someone who has known you for a while, I have seen you grow and change, priorities shift, cares realign, it happens. I've seen you wear fake eyelashes, and I've seen you not. But to me who you are has never really changed. And I have not noticed a change outside of the ordinary now, except for more giggling (yes, more than usual).
For better or worse, I think you only can be the judge of if spending time with the boy means not spending time with your friends and how much that affects you. Its good to question life and love, but I would like to believe in not over-thinking it. You are happy with him and he is with you, can you and he be happy with everyone else?
Sandy also made the comment about compromises. And I would like to believe that if he wasn't the least bit compromising that you wouldn't be where you are in your relationship. I don't think you wold stand for someone who wouldn't meet you half-way, but I could be wrong, its just how I see you. So I have to believe that he cares enough about you to respect your connections with others and that he evens (despite his serious introverted nature) puts himself out there with you and your friends even when he may not want to do so. As cliche as it sounds, relationships are give/take.
So Joy doesn't get, and maybe its not for her to get -- afterall she is not the one dating Wil. As a concerned friend if the worse she has noticed is that you are not wearing your fake eyelashes as much as you used to, then I would say, you're not doing to bad, especially since you must consider your job as a factor. What I'm trying to say is that she should be concerned but she should also take into account your happiness. If you guys are arguing all the time, and you come home crying, or if she really senses that you just aren't you were to her anymore, or he's physically abusive (and these may be extremes) then yeah, I can see why she'd be concerned. But far be it for anybody to explain why someone else loves someone. If they can, I would really like to know the formula. We put a lot of stock into "matches" in terms of relationships (oh, they have soo much in common, or they just work soo well together...) so when people don't seem to "match" we don't understand. But there are always things that other people don't or can't see. I guess what I'm saying is, you are the only person really repsonsible for your happiness. Good luck.

TravelingEm said...

Thank you to my dear friends for all the honest and open feed back.

I started this not at all questioning my feelings in my relationship, I'm happy and giddy. I look forward to each time I get to see him. I'm still not questioning these feelings. Really, I started this post to get more of my friends opinions on how our relationship looks to them. Knowing all the while, that who's to say what a perfect relationship or match even looks like. As Chris and I discussed this weekend, Wil and I are just like that cat and Paula Abdul.

To sort of vaguely respond to all the commenting:

No, Nate, Wil has yet to read this, but knows vaguely of it. I'm going to discuss this with him though and that will probably lead to him reading this.

I don't feel as though I have sacraficed any of my friends to be with him, no one has yet said to me "I won't hang out with you if he's there." And while I haven't seen as much of my friends, I still see them, with and without Wil. When there are things that I want to do and he doesn't, I go do them. When I wanted to go to the Pirate Prom in October, he went with me, completely dressed as a pirate (ah, that was the last time I wore eyelashes!)

He gets some of my friends, some of them are starting to get him. It takes him a while to warm up to people, to start to be comfortable around them. I was worried about bringing him home to my parents, but there he has fit in the best of all. When I take him back for a wedding at August, I'll have no fear leaving him in the pews with my parents and sister. And I know he'll dance his booty off with me at the reception.

Alright, that's it for right now, back to the teaching :)

collateral evidence said...

I don't know if anyone doesn't change a bit in a relationship--maybe because they're finding someone who they're comfortable enough to really be themselves around. Or, as Nate said, a different aspect of themselves that is just as true as the "self" your friends see. If he couldn't respect your friendships or you found yourself gradually cutting yourself off from them, then I'd be concerned. And there's nothing wrong with slowing down, too. The job might be responsible, or simple aging might be. We all go through phases in our lives when we're really into one activity or another, only to look back on that time later with little recognition of the person we have become. Like Sandy said, it's really a matter of motivation and whether--if it is rooted in compromise--you're doing all the giving. It sounds like it's mostly down to career change (and no wonder--you're really busy this year!).

Until now, I never even considered that the boy might be responsible for it--I'd always assumed it was the change of professions. Though this is said at a distance, I still think that's the case.