It's been a while since I posted as I haven't really been in the mood. I've been very in my own head. As I mentioned previously, I forced the boy into a corner. Throughout our whole relationship, I always had doubts as to whether he was "the one." And I always wondered how he could be so sure I was "the one" since I was his first love. I'd make comments out of my own insecurity about him needing to date other people, each comment hurting him :( But I still feel like you need to try everything before you decide.
However, this seems to long be my problem, that I love trying everything and even when I settle on an entree, I still think, "oh, yours looks better." Even when mine is better. (You knew it'd come to a food analogy, come on!)
However, in us actually breaking up, I have come to the realization that he is the one that I wanted. Of course, it's too late for that. All my indecision has led him to be unable to trust me. I don't blame him, I do change my mind ~a lot~. I mean this is my third career in 6 years and the, well, I've lost count, of city that I've lived in. However, I consider myself to be a trustworthy person. I've never cheated on him or any other boyfriend, never had an inclination too. However, I did emotionally cheat on him by never fully trusting "us" and never really getting to know the real him. And now he doesn't believe that I can committ. And I'm not sure if he wants me to prove that I can (I've got a plane ticket to Tokyo on hold right now) or if he wants me to just leave him alone with his own head and own life for a while.
Who knows, maybe he's right. Or maybe all the nagging in the back of my head telling me that he wasn't "the one" was right.
All I know is that it's really painful right now. And I can't spend the day crying (again). I'm going to the pool to swim off some nervous/anxious/mad at myself energy.
4 comments:
You crazy lady... I'm going to e-mail you!! I knew I shouldn't read your blog at work... and with all the work I have to do!!!!
ouch, thank you for sharing what's going out. what oh what keeps us from relaxing into situations or completely being there. why can that be so hard?
That's what I wonder Davee. I feel like it's hard for me to be "fully present" ever. My mind is always thinking about what comes next. Perhaps more meditation is the answer. Today's class is a humming meditation.
Aww, man! I'm so sorry to hear it! Hope its not too extra hard, not being around your friends and all. If you end up not using your ticket to Japan, well, I'm sure you could consider anging out here in Cali for a bit. :)
I too can relate to never being quite happy with what I have -- and I'm *married*. Tough place to be; constantly unsure. Give it some time. Eat more cyp. Travel to more countries. Breaking up now does not mean you might nnot still end up together. Just don't put your life on hold in the mean time.
*hug*
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